A really bad memory

I don't know why I remember this, but I do. In fact, I was thinking today about the things in my past (childhood) that were so hurtful to me. One of them sticks out like a thorn in my brain...and I have to share it.

When I was a freshman in High School, my best friend Trevor and I made the varsity baseball team. Now before you start thinking that I was some kind of child baseball prodigy, we lived in a very small town and the whole high school had 350 kids in it. Not a lot of choices for the sports teams. Nonetheless, I tried out for the team and I made it. I also played on the J.V team, but I really felt cool playing Varsity. We had a fine season, no records broken or amazing wins, but we did just fine.

After all was said and done, we had a baseball banquet. The team all showed up along with our parents and coaches. It was quite a to-do. During that banquet, coach gave awards to each of the students and any letters for the letter jackets. I remember wanting a letter jacket so bad...I wanted to be cool like every other kid. I had endured an entire season of being poked and teased, bullied and bruised for that letter. I couldn't wait until it was my turn. When it came my turn, coach said some really nice things about me and told everyone that he didn't think I had what it took to make the team. He was really glad that I had been on the team, and he congratulated me for my stick-to-it-iveness. He asked me to come forward, gave me a sheet of paper with my stats on it, and shook my hand. That's it. I didn't get the letter. I stood there in shock, with a lump in my throat the size of a baseball. Eventually, I made it back to my seat and did my best to hold back the wave of tears I knew was coming.

I felt like such a baby. I got to the car with my parents, and started crying. I told them that I thought I should have gotten a letter, and I didn't understand why I didn't. All the other guys got one...every one...but me. They clearly were sympathetic, and encouraged me to go talk to coach. So I got out of the car and made my way back into the school where the banquet was. In my red-eyed, tear streamed way I asked coach why I hadn't gotten a letter. He told me that even thought I had made the team, I didn't have enough innings to earn the letter. I was 2 short. That's right...2 innings short of getting a letter in baseball as a freshman. He told me to try again next year and walked away.

I was crushed. I didn't fit in, and I didn't get what I thought I'd deserved. It was incredibly hurtful, and it sticks with me today.

Still today, there are times when I feel like I don't fit in. Like I don't have a place, or that I'm not accepted. I was never the most popular kid in school, and I didn't have the most friends. I wasn't the best looking, or most athletic. All those things went to other kids. I felt....average. It's something I've felt for most of my life. Average. I think God wants to redeem this and change me. Maybe that's why (in part) I got into ministry. I want to change the world and make a difference. I don't want to be average, or so-so. I want to be a world changer.